I can cry if I want to

I'm a sensitive soul. I cry pretty easily and I'm okay with that. I cry in movies, while watching TV, even while watching commercials sometimes. I cry when I leave somewhere or say good-bye to someone I'll really miss. I've been known to cry after a bad day at work. And I've cried at my first day of work. I've shed a tear at the site of my favorite Indian food in the US. And I can't help but well up when I hear about a tragedy or natural disaster in India. I cry when I find out a family member is in the hospital. And I cried when I saw pictures of my best friends wedding and her first baby. Sounds like I cry a lot, huh? Gosh, I hope not. I can't cry on command, I cry as a reaction or as a way to express myself. But there are two thoughts that bring tears to my eyes without being provoked.

This year is the 5th year anniversary for both events. And they both still bring tears to my eyes.

1) My grandfather I really miss our conversations. He had great insight and lots of advice and perspective about the world. He believed in me wholeheartedly and supported all my dreams and desires; from wanting the latest Cyndi Lauper tape to taking flying lessons to traveling. He never laughed, and never said it was unattainable. Instead he did everything in his power to help me. He had a way with people. He could bring a smile to the crankiest person at his retirement center. And make people laugh and feel at home wherever he went. He touched so many people. And I feel so lucky to have been able to have him as my grandfather, to share those intimate moments of going to the pond to feed the ducks, looking at the fish in the pet store, buying groceries for grandma, and listening to his stories. He taught me that life is an adventure, you can’t be scared of the next bump in the road, just meet it head on and everything will work itself out.

2) September 11th I was in NYC at the UN on September 11th. Many of you who know me well know the story and have heard me talk about it. I actually try not to think about it much anymore. But the anniversary always brings back stories on the radio or TV, it’s impossible to avoid. And without even thinking about it, I’m crying again. I didn’t live in NY, I was just attending a conference. So my ties to the event are somewhat distant, but the intensity of the event was real for me. Luckily, my uncle who works in the WTC was fine. And I'm fine, but others weren’t as lucky. For people who weren't there to witness it; to taste the fumes in your mouth, feel the burn in your lungs, see the people barefoot and covered in ash, hear the sirens for days, or feel the rumble of the tanks drive by....it’s a story that is beyond description. Similar, I imagine, to trying to describe being in a war zone, in the middle of a natural disaster, or other catastrophe. It brings people together in a way that is so unique to that time and place. I’ll never forget the sense of community and the American pride I felt as I waved a flag and clapped for the emergency rescue workers as they left Ground Zero just a day after the buildings collapsed. For the rest of my life, for one day every year, I will be a New Yorker.

This has been exhausting. I can barely see the screen through my tear-filled eyes. My glasses have long been removed to avoid that annoying tear splashing. Now my nose is running and I have a headache. But it feels good to acknowledge these events and remember….it was just 5 years ago.